“I didn’t know what to say to her – I was caught in a love triangle with one dead side.”
“I didn’t know what to say to her – I was caught in a love triangle with one dead side.”
I tried to fill in the missing piece of the puzzle but suddenly I was bedazzled.
I guess am having a cold feet– Man! I just want to shoot my emotions on the street.
Wish you were here–we will face the waves with no fear. Just hold my hand and I’ll be more fancier.
He woke up and he was foreboding to cry, but unfortunately his tears drops like a heavy rain with a thunderous roar. I was doing my unfinished task at that very moment when I heard him cry even if my headset was on. Then I rushed myself to basically calm him down, but more tears were coming out from his eyes. I knew it already that he was looking for her Mother. So I calmly spoke to him,
“Sky, don’t beg for her time but instead be happy.”
Then I slowly explained to him why she left and that slowly made him feel calm and secure. Sky just turned four today, so I decided to slowly give him the points of understanding based on our status. My elder son basically understand the situation but Sky is just slowly adapting. Since then, he is very dear to me from the time that he was into his existence. The closeness began when he was so little. Way back then when I was still working from my previous company, I usually took charged of the babysitting at night. I woke up on wee hours if he cries and asked for a bottle of milk without even complaining of my tiresome job that day. That initial bond became stronger up until now. He is even jealous when I give my attention to his “Kuya” elder brother. He always find ways to get my attention that made me and his “Kuya” laughing. So, we ended up teasing him.
What’s my point?
Sky in general needs her Mom’s attention that’s the substantial reality in which her Mom couldn’t comprehend. I must know because I knew all his actions and I knew it when he misses her that much. I was upset, that’s the truth. I leaved them both so that they will have enough time for each other to cuddle but I guess she was just too busy doing her thing. Even if my son always call her name, she continually ignored him in some sense. I grew up without my parents with my side, so I can basically relate for what he was feeling. That sense of excitement to have her again for him in which she undoubtedly could not understand why our son acted that way. I am the type of a father who doesn’t tolerate hatred. I’ve been there done that and it only caused severe depression that made us humans to find ways in escaping reality in which it will create a damage to a certain family relationship. Believed me it is infinitely proven.
A mothers love is totally different from the child’s perception in which I couldn’t do it and gave it at the same time. I am not too greedy if he is looking for her, I always make sure that I can reach her just to connect with him. For me it’s too pathetic, why? My son’s situation acts like a chaser (like me), the chaser of infinite blithe. In fact, what I always wanted her to do is too basically spare her “precious” time with him but I can sense that she has more important things to do and that made my son her least priority. What the F!
“I Wish I could be every little thing you wanted all the time.”
“Every Little Thing”
How I wish I am but it only gives me frustration. I think I have a better understanding with my life right now, breaking with the “this is how your life should be, look at them be like them”. Then who gives a fuck? Why in the hell should I imitate them? It doesn’t give me happiness and it is a total waste of time. Haven’t you noticed? The time when I took control of myself without your annoying, degrading humiliating and discriminating words of wisdom, I tasted victory. I remind you of this because there is no “Diploma” needed, my only arsenal is my determination to excel, my interest in my chosen job and my heart which I poured out my truest emotion for I do love what I am doing. I guess all of you are just too insensitive to point out the difference between loving what you love to do rather than insisting your traditional fixed mindset which definitely doesn’t help, that also frustrates your wishes. Life is not all about “work-eat-sleep”, as they said at some point we have to find options to break away from that routine. We are here in this world to discover and appreciate the things that surrounds us, the art teacher once said “Go out and Wonder”. She said “Surround yourself with questions and slowly discover the answers in your own effort, fill yourself with the question WHY?’. She is right because I grew up full of questions, I even question the religion that I grew up with and I found the answers through the various thoughts of the known idealist whom I shared the same point of view. It is really funny to think as I recall when they put you into shame because they want you to attend mass every Sunday and saying “That is why you are not blessed because you are not obliging yourself to attend the Sunday Mass” which in that sense I couldn’t argue upon because “that’s their belief”. Made me think though, for seconds, minutes, hours, weeks, months and even years wondering what is the connection for all the things they said to me, for the record I do pray alone, before I sleep and when I wake up. I am always been thankful because every morning I can still feel the features in my face and the Known God gave me another reason to live, breathe life again and I am always been blessed with that kind of mentality. I look like a condemned human being because of my physical features (I intended to look like this way because I was able to determine the hypocrites living in the society and it is very effective).
Furthermore, those questions of life became my inspiration to learn and discover things. It really gave me a better understanding on how to live my life. The problem is, when you have this idea and you all have the supporting points to explain the things plus an exhibit of your experience, you are labeled as “mentally ill, crazy” and I don’t know why. So it came to my mind that what the society had known you before, you are not allowed to change the way you are. What a crazy society I lived in. Few people will fully understand and those types of people are blessed with high level of understanding. The thing is even your own family are the sole responsible of spreading the bad things and it really is a fucked up life, if you know what I mean. Again, I didn’t judge directly because I always see the other side of it on why they are treating me like that. Ever since I was doing all the positive things in life. Back in the day I even excel in school academics but still nobody cares to go up on the stage, well thank you teachers for pinning the ribbons and medals. The only people that give credit to your hard worked are the ones who are not closed to you, funny to think eh. There are many instances in my life that I gave to them just because I am an illegitimate child, my life experiences became more meaningful due to the failures which became my inspiration to challenge myself.
“Do the things that scares you most”. I knew, it is not easy to write but my domestic experiences became my tool to create portraits and to write poetry blog, for it eases my feelings if I write or draw. It is also my only way to pour out my emotion when nobody wants to hear me.
“So I walk up on high and step to the edge, to see my world below. And I laughed at myself while the tears roll down, ‘cause it’s the world I know. It’s the world I know.”
“The World I Know”
When the time I was awakened I started my journey to the world of creativity and never had an instance of having a doubt in my instinct. It really feels good to be in a place where you belong. No other words could really express the triumph I felt. I gain more friends outside my country and they always gave me more inspiration to do well and develop the potential in me. I must say a big cure and definitely a relief to life’s downside. I figured out that the society I live defined success as a newborn child, everyone in the group cuddles and cheers but if success failed, you are the illegitimate baby being abandoned. So, it is good thing that I’m an illegitimate, it is an insult for them because of their humiliating words that I couldn’t do it (but I didn’t hate them) in fact it became my inspiration. I wanted them to share the experiences I had when the time they did that, but I hope they fully realized that what they did is wrong, pride I must say. Well and good, I can’t force them to change for who they are, besides they’re “old enough”.
“I didn’t change I just see things differently”
Indeed, I am.
Positivity, determination, trust, love, patience, understanding, sacrifice and aside from that the three key factors in my life;
-Connect all the dots of failure
-Make the best things today for tomorrow’s benefit
-Karma is sweet (if you know how to handle)
(Whilst writing his diary)
The girl with a broken smile asked me if she can sit beside me for a while, I said “Yes! you may, don’t be shy.” She bears the face of being sad and she was so fragile.
Then we started talking and sharing each of our own stories, when suddenly I noticed the tears were slowly dropping from her eyes.
I politely asked her “Why are you crying, Miss?” And then she responded with displeasure “Because I was stupid! My heart is now at the death’s door, can you save me from dying, Mister?”.
I was shitting green but I don’t want her to see me that way and I remain poised. I took her hands and gently telling her “You are too beautiful to waste your own life for him, Fucked love and your shitty feelings! You were blinded by illusion, that’s not the solution. Have time for yourself and enjoy every moment, your life doesn’t evolve in him. We created our own destiny, live your life without animosity. Life is beautiful! Let him enjoy his karma and please do not be mournful.”
And then I hugged her tight and the girl with a broken smile whispered “Who are you Mister?”
“I’m Fechzeiruv Brooke Einhart”