Broken

Right on the top, but all of the sudden it killed the heart that was glowing– eventually stop the heart from glowing, and it was so embarassing.

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Bêtise

photo credit to https://i.pinimg.com

 

The moment of truth speaks when you are in a situation to choose between being rejected or being accepted. It could be the most craziest idea if we keep on inserting ourselves into a scenario when we know that we are not the missing fragment.

Sounds absurd, but it is the reality of life.

Acceptance is the word of life, but sometimes the word is too deceiving. It’s funny how we came into the picture then suddenly you feel being rejected. Time may heal and cure the most painful chapter of our lives; however those darkest days will keep on haunting us, and it really sucks.

The good news is that hope stitches all the scars, and hope became the new word of our  life.

We all desired for something beautiful that will happen; but circumstances forbids, and it really sucks. We often expect that any changes that will arise will have a good result– but it doesn’t.

We are the predator, and we preyed for that elusive warm fuzzies reality of life. If we keep on begging for their acceptance then we will always feel rejection.

Having said that, if we only accept the absurdity of life then it is inevitable that the impossible will be chalk up.

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Summer


I saw you crying in my sleep but you’re gone too soon. Daddy is coming home and brought some colorful balloons. Before I reached home, the dour and overcast skies started to fade into black. 

It was so bleak that the  arch of heavens was foreboding to cry. Why too soon? You never said goodbye. I’m still hoping that one day I will be at your side and we will watch the birds fly by. 

My life was star-crossed and melancholic. September to remember my little angel, I love you and I know one day you will take me out of the blue.

DETOUR (The Road To Recovery)


(Photo© to the owner)

I tried to shoot the stars in the outer space but what I got was shamed and disgraced.

I walked away for about a distance mile and I saw the sign, “The Road To Recovery” . It gave me a reason to smile.

There was a big rock placed beside the post and I sat down comfortably for a while.

My mind wandered and I asked myself, why life is so fragile?

Loneliness lingers on that made me sighed, and then I relaxed myself and closed my eyes.

A water from my eyes came out in dripped and I can’t even dare to stop knob my earsplitting cry coming out from my lips.

I felt the cold wind blowing and inside my head I heard voices screaming, one voice I heard was whispering gently and another voice was swearing relentlessly.

I opened my eyes and rambled away from where I was sitting.

From far away, I saw a radiant ray of light, I was bedazzled; I ran so fast towards the luminous light but I can still hear creepy voices that are very annoying.

Drawing closer to the place where the light was, I was overwhelmed for what I’ve witnessed.

That glorious lightrays that enticed me to be in that place, it was my inception of becoming victorious and illustrious.

” New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings” -Lao Tzu- 👌🏼

Mental Suicide|V.2


The hardest scenario in my life probably when I tried all my best to make things in order again but suddenly nobody wants to do some extra support. I admit, my life is not as colourful compared to the others. I’ve been suffering  too much pain since then and that they always think of me like I am a happy-go lucky guy. But the truth is, what they saw from me is the exact opposite. I just pretend that I am very much fine. Little did they knew that I do have some big problems to deal with.

More often I played the counselor and at the same time the adviser. Things like doing problem solving, in a case to case basis and of course I always gave them advice when it terms to the pros and cons of life. But at the end of day -it often happened that I usually overthink some situation. It feels like slowly it piles up and became my burden.

I am always anxious.

In that case, slowly it triggers everything on what is inside of me. I experienced manic episodes in my life. When it strikes, it’s either a negative or a positive one. Negative in the sense of being careless for everything. I can stay inside the house for days. I know it’s kinda uneasy for you to think but it’s the reality. When positive episode attacks that is the time when I became creative. My mind keeps on feeding ideas it’s either sketching, photography or doing some backyard art.

I always asked myself why?

I read a lot about it thru blogs and often times I took some psychological online test based on what I really feel. It turns out that I have the symptoms of being a depressive type of a person. The characteristics that I had is basically connected to being a Bipolar.

So I then did some research study of mine. It only proves that I have all the aspects of being part of the bipolar community. They said it is a mental illness that only occurs when something happened that really affected me that much. So I said, it does bother me that much. Actually, some people may tend to find it unusual to comprehend. Well, the type of country I lived generally don’t give a damn whatever it is. The fact that it was never been brought out as serious topic here. If ever it is, these people will take it like you’re crazy as fuck. But if there is a proper explanation or a sense of giving the literal meaning of it, probably they will understand. Yep! Including my family they basically don’t give a shit about it and will always label you as crazy as fuck.

I’m telling you, honestly it’s hard to deal with me sometimes,  but if you knew me for who I am, I can assure you it is my alter-ego that drives me when you feel that I don’t like to talk to you. But it will only last for days. I  am very moody. Always.  Mood swings that sometimes will always surprise the others. I separate myself to the real world and create my own comfort zone. In addition, it does affect my previous relationships.

For almost 30 years of being around here in this sick, sad and chaotic world, I told my mother about my situation. Well, as usual she doesn’t even give a damn about it. I explained everything and we even end up arguing. 

I asked myself, who will be there for me? Who will understand my illness for being me?  Pfftt! It gave me a big sigh of being disgusted. So right now,  I allow myself to separate from them because I know they will never understand me. I am mentally suicidal and I wished that they should not have rescued me when the big fire occured when I was two years old. 

But I believed that the Man from Up Above rescued me because I have the right to live and He gave me a purpose and mission that is to be fulfill. The rejection that I got from them made me stronger. It became my inspiration to write. I know I’m not a good writer but I do hope I delivered it with sense and with clarity.

I am graciously thankful to Him for my existence and for giving me my most precious gift of life, my two adorable kids. 

As they said, ” This is the most bravest thing I did in my life, to be alive when I wanted to be dead.” 👌🏼

Flirting with Suicidal Dreams | V.1

Why do we suffer? It has been a big question in my life as always. A question of faith, if there is a God then why do we suffer? Even if step by step I tried to overcome and tried to fix everything about what I did in the past. What is wrong with choosing the passion you love and leaving the things that you don’t like to have? A very chaotic situation that leads to being attwitter to cope things up.

I should have done that and I should have done this. Yes! The time came when I have to decide on my own. To pursue the passion what my heart and brain is telling me. When you are living in a third world country, a big decision comes with such a big question for others. It’s  kinda frustrating because what I’m trying to do with my life is to dispose everything  and try to bestow a lifetime assurance for my kids future. 

I always love doing things that challenges me a lot. An ordinary human being who bears a big question, why? Why this and why that. I do look for a certain answers for every unwanted occurence in life. Reading every interesting materials that basically gives a definite answer. Being anxious is pretty normal for me and I lived that for years now. When a problem pops up whether from my family or from my friends, it will definitely be absorbed in my head and I will think for it over and over again. In that way, it gave me a sleepless nights. Overthinking, which is not normal for others. I look for an answer why I am too concerned for other people who are dearly affected with their problems. Why?

There was a time when I was so weigh down with my life. I flirted with suicide. At the time when I have to do it, when I closed my eyes the big Why? comes up. I then dragged myself back to bed and when I closed my eyes again, a burst of hope and enlightenment was drawn from my head again. I regained my life again. Certainly there is a light in every darkest hour of our life. But why do we suffer? 

So again I started over. I did couple of things that will give me another reason to live not just for my kids but for myself also. I read this wonderful blog that ignites my determination to do the things I want. Positivity indeed! What I want?  I want to give myself a value because my family is so fckin negative. They always judge you before you do the things that you really want and that kind of thing is really frustrating. They want to be the captain for every decision you made. As always, for them you are wrong. They can’t understand the true purpose and the essence of life. They want me to be like her or him, do this and do that. How can I? I didn’t want that kind of life they tried to direct me. I wanted to break away from their shadows, honestly. 

I have in my mind to reward myself of obtaining a certain degree, because I am so fed up that everytime I did something wrong, my mistakes before are being narrated again. They can’t move on. So I saw this scholarship being offered online from one of the finest  school in London, University of South Wales. To my surprise I was qualified to avail a half-scholarship plus a guaranteed job in which it made me feel happy and excited to bring in the news to them. I assumed. Yes! I was not wrong, they always throw the negative things, instead of giving me encouragement. Again I overthink. It felt like, me against the world.

When the time that I set a plan for my life, suddenly all the things fell apart. Depressive mode activated. But instead of telling my so-called family about what I feel, I sent a message to my friend. She is the only person since then who always backs me up when I’m in my lowest key of my life. She said ” f**k you! Pack-up your things right now if you want changes, i’ll be the one to shoulder what you need…” That gives me a smile tho but I am very hesitant because i’ll be leaving my kids to their mom who doesn’t even give a shit, she is only concern of what clothes to wear. So fucked up life!

Right now it’s 50/50, I declined the offer. I intentionally missed the call from London, twice. Weird and I am feeling creepy. What if another opportunity comes? What if I will pass the offered double degree major from Canada and then they will ring me up? Same scenario? Oh no! Not again. If in case it will happen that I will ignore the best opportunity, I will probably flirt with my suicidal dreams again. I perceived that others may think that I have a mental illness. But then again I can’t blame them, that is how I deal with things in my life. As they said, common sense is not a gift it’s a punishment because we have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it.

It is really hard to deal with betrayal when it comes from your own family. Right now, I am so blessed to have friends from the other parts of the world. They are my family right now. They always gave me positive comments and never ending encouragement to pursue the things that was left undone.👌🏼