The hardest scenario in my life probably when I tried all my best to make things in order again but suddenly nobody wants to do some extra support. I admit, my life is not as colourful compared to the others. I’ve been suffering too much pain since then and that they always think of me like I am a happy-go lucky guy. But the truth is, what they saw from me is the exact opposite. I just pretend that I am very much fine. Little did they knew that I do have some big problems to deal with.
More often I played the counselor and at the same time the adviser. Things like doing problem solving, in a case to case basis and of course I always gave them advice when it terms to the pros and cons of life. But at the end of day -it often happened that I usually overthink some situation. It feels like slowly it piles up and became my burden.
I am always anxious.
In that case, slowly it triggers everything on what is inside of me. I experienced manic episodes in my life. When it strikes, it’s either a negative or a positive one. Negative in the sense of being careless for everything. I can stay inside the house for days. I know it’s kinda uneasy for you to think but it’s the reality. When positive episode attacks that is the time when I became creative. My mind keeps on feeding ideas it’s either sketching, photography or doing some backyard art.
I always asked myself why?
I read a lot about it thru blogs and often times I took some psychological online test based on what I really feel. It turns out that I have the symptoms of being a depressive type of a person. The characteristics that I had is basically connected to being a Bipolar.
So I then did some research study of mine. It only proves that I have all the aspects of being part of the bipolar community. They said it is a mental illness that only occurs when something happened that really affected me that much. So I said, it does bother me that much. Actually, some people may tend to find it unusual to comprehend. Well, the type of country I lived generally don’t give a damn whatever it is. The fact that it was never been brought out as serious topic here. If ever it is, these people will take it like you’re crazy as fuck. But if there is a proper explanation or a sense of giving the literal meaning of it, probably they will understand. Yep! Including my family they basically don’t give a shit about it and will always label you as crazy as fuck.
I’m telling you, honestly it’s hard to deal with me sometimes, but if you knew me for who I am, I can assure you it is my alter-ego that drives me when you feel that I don’t like to talk to you. But it will only last for days. I am very moody. Always. Mood swings that sometimes will always surprise the others. I separate myself to the real world and create my own comfort zone. In addition, it does affect my previous relationships.
For almost 30 years of being around here in this sick, sad and chaotic world, I told my mother about my situation. Well, as usual she doesn’t even give a damn about it. I explained everything and we even end up arguing.
I asked myself, who will be there for me? Who will understand my illness for being me? Pfftt! It gave me a big sigh of being disgusted. So right now, I allow myself to separate from them because I know they will never understand me. I am mentally suicidal and I wished that they should not have rescued me when the big fire occured when I was two years old.
But I believed that the Man from Up Above rescued me because I have the right to live and He gave me a purpose and mission that is to be fulfill. The rejection that I got from them made me stronger. It became my inspiration to write. I know I’m not a good writer but I do hope I delivered it with sense and with clarity.
I am graciously thankful to Him for my existence and for giving me my most precious gift of life, my two adorable kids.
As they said, ” This is the most bravest thing I did in my life, to be alive when I wanted to be dead.” 👌🏼