Flirting with Suicidal Dreams | V.1

Why do we suffer? It has been a big question in my life as always. A question of faith, if there is a God then why do we suffer? Even if step by step I tried to overcome and tried to fix everything about what I did in the past. What is wrong with choosing the passion you love and leaving the things that you don’t like to have? A very chaotic situation that leads to being attwitter to cope things up.

I should have done that and I should have done this. Yes! The time came when I have to decide on my own. To pursue the passion what my heart and brain is telling me. When you are living in a third world country, a big decision comes with such a big question for others. It’s  kinda frustrating because what I’m trying to do with my life is to dispose everything  and try to bestow a lifetime assurance for my kids future. 

I always love doing things that challenges me a lot. An ordinary human being who bears a big question, why? Why this and why that. I do look for a certain answers for every unwanted occurence in life. Reading every interesting materials that basically gives a definite answer. Being anxious is pretty normal for me and I lived that for years now. When a problem pops up whether from my family or from my friends, it will definitely be absorbed in my head and I will think for it over and over again. In that way, it gave me a sleepless nights. Overthinking, which is not normal for others. I look for an answer why I am too concerned for other people who are dearly affected with their problems. Why?

There was a time when I was so weigh down with my life. I flirted with suicide. At the time when I have to do it, when I closed my eyes the big Why? comes up. I then dragged myself back to bed and when I closed my eyes again, a burst of hope and enlightenment was drawn from my head again. I regained my life again. Certainly there is a light in every darkest hour of our life. But why do we suffer? 

So again I started over. I did couple of things that will give me another reason to live not just for my kids but for myself also. I read this wonderful blog that ignites my determination to do the things I want. Positivity indeed! What I want?  I want to give myself a value because my family is so fckin negative. They always judge you before you do the things that you really want and that kind of thing is really frustrating. They want to be the captain for every decision you made. As always, for them you are wrong. They can’t understand the true purpose and the essence of life. They want me to be like her or him, do this and do that. How can I? I didn’t want that kind of life they tried to direct me. I wanted to break away from their shadows, honestly. 

I have in my mind to reward myself of obtaining a certain degree, because I am so fed up that everytime I did something wrong, my mistakes before are being narrated again. They can’t move on. So I saw this scholarship being offered online from one of the finest  school in London, University of South Wales. To my surprise I was qualified to avail a half-scholarship plus a guaranteed job in which it made me feel happy and excited to bring in the news to them. I assumed. Yes! I was not wrong, they always throw the negative things, instead of giving me encouragement. Again I overthink. It felt like, me against the world.

When the time that I set a plan for my life, suddenly all the things fell apart. Depressive mode activated. But instead of telling my so-called family about what I feel, I sent a message to my friend. She is the only person since then who always backs me up when I’m in my lowest key of my life. She said ” f**k you! Pack-up your things right now if you want changes, i’ll be the one to shoulder what you need…” That gives me a smile tho but I am very hesitant because i’ll be leaving my kids to their mom who doesn’t even give a shit, she is only concern of what clothes to wear. So fucked up life!

Right now it’s 50/50, I declined the offer. I intentionally missed the call from London, twice. Weird and I am feeling creepy. What if another opportunity comes? What if I will pass the offered double degree major from Canada and then they will ring me up? Same scenario? Oh no! Not again. If in case it will happen that I will ignore the best opportunity, I will probably flirt with my suicidal dreams again. I perceived that others may think that I have a mental illness. But then again I can’t blame them, that is how I deal with things in my life. As they said, common sense is not a gift it’s a punishment because we have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it.

It is really hard to deal with betrayal when it comes from your own family. Right now, I am so blessed to have friends from the other parts of the world. They are my family right now. They always gave me positive comments and never ending encouragement to pursue the things that was left undone.👌🏼


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2 thoughts on “Flirting with Suicidal Dreams | V.1”

  1. Why? It’s because life is not for our own content. It is never ours in the first place. Who owns it probably wanna teach u something. You’re better than that. Always think of ur kids when you feel down. You’re the only one that they got who truly cares for them.

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